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How to Fry an Egg

Trying to fry an egg can be a daunting task at first, however, it's actually really simple if you follow these steps. Let ComputernewbCookingtm be your guide.

Obtaining eggs

Firstly, you must obtain eggs. You may be tempted to acquire eggs directly from the source. But there is an easier way, follow these steps:

  1. Locate your nearest supermarket.
  2. Enter the supermarket with intent to purchase, enter the building with a calm but firm aura.
  3. Walk to the back of the store.
  4. Realise that they have moved the eggs, yet again.
  5. Feel mild irration, do not let this show however, you may attract the attention of a "store worker".
  6. Wander around the store for 30 mins, to locate eggs, there may be signs above each "aisle" to assist you, these signs are probably wrong.
  7. Obtain a 6 pack of medium free-range eggs, make sure you double check that the egg-breaking fairy hasn't been around, and double check egg in the box.
  8. Purchase the eggs via "self-service", or an actual till, if you are so inclined.
  9. Return home with your new, conveniently obtained, eggs. Do not drop them on the way home, if this happens, repeat from step 2.

Preparation

You will need: A frying pan of around 20-30cm diametre, a wooden thing, some form of oil, butter, or lard, eggs.

  1. Place the frying pan on the stove.
  2. Add a good tablespoon of oil, butter, or lard. Please do not be tempted to use engine oil, it will taste bad.
  3. Turn stove on, at a high heat.

Frying the Egg

This is the key part. Please refrain from attempting to season or eat your egg while it is frying.

  1. Crack open the egg on the side of the frying pan. This can be done with two different formations: the pinch formation involves the thumb and another finger at the top and bottom of the egg, possibly with an extra for stability, the egg is then firmly tapped on the side of the pan to open it. It is then pulled apart by the fingers, with all the egg ending up inside the frying pan. Another formation is the goatse formation, this involves tapping the side of the egg firmly to crack the egg, and which point two thumbs are then used to push open and pull apart the egg. While then method is easier, it is more likely for shell to end up in the fried egg.
  2. Ensure all the egg is inside the frying pan, this includes the yellow bit.
  3. The white of the egg will quickly begin to become white, and a frying noise can be heard. The egg may attempt to attack you by throwing small volumes of oil at you, this is normal.
  4. It may be worth controlling the expanse of the egg across the frying pan with a flat wooden thing. Otherwise the fried egg may be too thin.

At this point the egg is frying. Do not touch the yellow yolk, it is sensitive. You also will have to make a decision, how crispy do you like your edges.

  1. When the edges have obtained a level of brownness and crispiness deemed acceptable, tap the white of the egg with the wooden thing, to ensure the whole egg is fried.
  2. A key manoeuvre now. Position the wooden thing to the base of the now fried egg, and push gently, this should release the egg from the pan. Eggs however, can be stubborn, and may need some persuasion.
  3. Once the egg has been removed from the plate, it can be placed onto another surface, preferably a plate, or the bottom of a roll or muffin (or the middle somewhere) (on a plate).
  4. Ensure the stove is turned off.
  5. Season as required, and enjoy with condiments of your choice. (Ketchup is objectively correct).

Congratulations, you successfully fried an egg! Enjoy!

BONUS: Over-easy Technique

This is highly advanced technique only for egg frying professionals. If you do not wish for an orange explosion upon eating the egg, a method known as over-easy can prevent this.

  1. Follow the previous instructions up until the key manoeuvre, however, instead of simply lifting the egg off of the pan, flip it. Ensure that only the egg is flipped, and not the pan. This is trickiest part, side-effects of getting this wrong include: Oil Explosion, Burnt Egg, Upside-Down Pan syndrome, Upside-Down Kitchen syndrome (aka dancing on the ceiling syndrome), Death, becoming Australian.
  2. If it all goes correctly, the egg should begin to fry on the other side, it may scream as you are burning its face, and you would do well to block them out.
  3. Once the egg has cooked to a sufficient level, remove it from the pan using the key manoeuvre.
  4. Continue from turning the stove off.

Please enjoy.

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